Time for your taste buds to grow up.
The bright yellow hue of “Butter Lovers” popcorn should strike fear into your heart. Some microwave popcorn brands have been known to have toxic chemicals in the popping bags, and many that don’t are still full of trans fats. So what should you munch on during your next Netflix binge? Get yourself a pot, some oil and a bag of kernels and you’ll be back in business, without all the bad ingredients.
Sprite and Coke were essential dorm room drink mixers, especially for masking the offensive flavor of bottom-shelf booze, but now that you’re older and wiser it’s time to cut it out. Aside from the artificial dyes and crazy sugar content in soda, the stuff basically corrodes your insides. Seltzer is the drink of your future.
I mean, seriously? In case your college education failed you, there’s a big, wonderful world of cheeses out there for your taste buds to explore, and the real stuff will blow those fake slices away. Grilled cheese is 10 times better with cheddar, gruyere, and gouda anyway.
This sodium-packed soup came in handy for many a hangover in college, but the sodium levels and lack of anything resembling a real vegetable mean it’s definitely not acceptable as a meal. We’ll make a special exception for inventive recipes like ramen stir-fry that amp-up the noodles with fresh ingredients.
Anyone who shows up to a morning meeting reeking of Red Bull is definitely not gaining points in the office. No one cares how many hours you’ve been working, and the affect this stuff has on your body is not worth the jolt. Luckily, there’s a grown-up alternative called coffee!
Please stop passing by the produce section—peas and carrots from the freezer section are sad excuses for veggies, and it’s high time you learn how to cook them fresh. Once you realized how easy (and delicious) it is to make sautéed zucchini or roasted asparagus you’ll never go back.
If your idea of “salad” is a few iceberg leaves drenched in ranch dressing, you’ve got a lot to learn. Iceberg lettuce is mostly water and has zero nutritional value, so grow up in the greens category and graduate to romaine, spinach and kale instead. With the right fixings, and yes, you can still indulge in the occasional wedge.
This is one of those silly diet foods that makes you believe you’re eating healthy, when in reality you’re doing the opposite. There are trans fats galore in spreadable butter substitutes, which can contribute to a heart attack. You’re better off using real butter in small amounts, and guess what? It tastes way better!
All the good parts of grains are removed in the making of white bread and the refined carbs are no good for your waistline. Sandwiches are totally acceptable, but pick a decent loaf with whole grains to layer deli meats and veggies on.
I know your inner basic bitch/bro is crying out at this one, but it’s time to be honest with yourself. There isn’t enough caffeine in a frap to perk you up, they’re absurdly sweet, and you’re really just in it for the whipped cream and caramel drizzle. The first part of growing up is being able to admit your mistakes, and you know better than to drink a milkshake in the morning.